Mom

This Sunday is mother's day. It is the third straight one without my mom. I miss her. My mother died a little over 2 years ago. I was there with her at the end, along with my brother Bill, Ron, Sherry, and my sister Jeannie. I am grateful to have had the chance to be with her when she passed. I just wish I could have been there more with her when she was living. But such is life. I never seem to say the things I want to say to the people that I love. I don't know why that is. When my dad was lying in a hospital bed dying of a stroke, I wanted to tell him that I loved him...but I never did. I regret that. There are lots of things I wanted to say to my mother. I never did. I really regret that. My parents were decent people. My dad was a career military. But he was not the most squared away soldier...he got busted a few times. But he did serve honorable in WWII and Korea. He retired after 20 years as a E-4. Not a lot of money there. My mom was a stay at home mom. She gave birth to 7 of us. They both did their best to keep us all clothed, housed, and fed. The one thing I can say about both of them...we never felt unloved by them. They gave us and showed us that a lot. So we were poor, but we got by alright. It is difficult for me to explain to you my feelings for my parents. There are still so many unresolved issues that I have with both of them. Recently I have been thinking a lot about that last weekend with my mom. In late February 2005, I was in the middle of a three week run of A Streetcar Named Desire at Albany Civic Theater. I was playing the role of Mitch...(the Carl Malden role). Mitch is the one who is Stanley's best friend who is lonely and lives with his sick mother. Very sad character. Anyway, I got a call from my brother telling me that my mother (who we found out had inoperable lung cancer) was very close to death. He told me that if I wanted to see her I should get down there very quickly. I knew I would have to, but I was I was still in denial and thought that it would be OK for me to do the show that weekend and then leave on Monday to see her. Surely she would hold on for a few more days. My sister Jeanne got on the phone with me and she seemed to indicate that mom was not as bad as everyone was saying and that if I waited until Monday that would be fine. She was in denial too. Finally, my brother Ron got on the phone and he told me that it was that bad and that it was up to me to get down there before she died if I wanted to see her one last time. That did it. I made the plan to head down there the next day. I quickly made some calls and found a replacement to fill my role for the Saturday and Sunday shows, but I had to do the show that night. It was very surreal. I was playing a man whose mother was dying and didn't have long to live and that was the exact situation I found myself in for real. Well the next day I flew down to Kentucky and I had the chance to spend the next 48 hours with my mom and brothers and sisters. It was very sad. Very emotional. It was the longest 48 hours of my life. But I got a chance to speak to my mom, and to sing to her. And to hold her hand. We could even understand her when she tried to speak sometimes. But it is so hard to watch someone slip away like this. I nearly lost it at one point. I couldn't stand watching her struggle to breath. At one point, I told her to go..it was alright. But she was going to go on her own terms..not mine. Her time, it turned out, was early Monday morning. I remember watching her chest move up and down....and then nothing. The nurse came over to take her pulse and to listen to her heart. She looked at us and turned off the respirator. We all knew what that meant. My mother took one last final breath and then that was it. I instantly thought....it should be like this....our mothers see us take our first breath...we should be there when they take their last. As painful as this was, I am so grateful I was there.
Mom...I do miss you. I hope you know how much I loved you. How much I wish I could have been more open with you. How much I wish I took the time to get to know you better. How I wish I was a better son to you. I hope where ever you are...that you happy. I hope that you and dad and Grandma and Aunt Joan are have a good game of cards and talking about the things you use to do. Have a great Mothers Day. To all you out there, who still have their moms. Do the right thing. Call her and tell her you love her. Send her flowers. Just spend time with her. You won't regret it.